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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24480820">Safe in these arms of mine</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhockey/pseuds/justhockey'>justhockey</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Caring Eddie Diaz, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, Love Confessions, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 03:21:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,922</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24480820</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhockey/pseuds/justhockey</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Buck’s eyes are alight while he talks, and Eddie’s stomach twists as he watches him. He loves this man. Loves the way he’s incapable of just having a passing interest in something, and how once he finds something fascinating he’ll spend hours researching it. He’s passionate about absolutely everything in his life and it makes Eddie feel so stupidly <i>fond.</i></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>663</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Safe in these arms of mine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Title from <i>Run To You</i> by Lea Michele.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s a quiet day at the station, and Eddie is grateful for it. The summer heat is blisteringly hot and they’re coming into the last few hours of a twenty-four hour shift. His bones creak like an old staircase when he stretches, and he can no longer contain the yawn he’s been fighting for about the last six hours. He glances at the clock on the wall for what feels like the millionth time, and groans when the hands have barely moved at all. </p><p>Buck is lying along the length of the couch, holding his phone above his face. Eddie watches as his brow furrows and he scrunches up his nose at whatever he’s reading. He looks like an idiot. Which is to say, he looks like everything Eddie could ever want. His heart constricts in his chest as Buck begins to chew on his lower lip, and Eddie forces himself to look away. </p><p>You see, Buck is his best friend in the entire world and Eddie wouldn’t sacrifice that for anything, but. There’s not much he wouldn’t give for just a chance. A chance to be something more than they already are. And that’s not to say what Eddie already has with Buck isn’t enough, because god, it’s <i>everything.</i> But still. You can’t blame a guy for hoping. </p><p>Because Buck is, he’s. Fuck. Eddie doesn’t even have the words. He came into Eddie’s life like a whirlwind, but now he never wants him to leave. He’s like a breath of fresh air, like that first gasp of oxygen when you’ve been holding your breath for too long. He’s bright and bold and fucking <i>reckless,</i> but Eddie can’t imagine his life without him, can’t even stomach the thought of losing him. </p><p>He never in his life thought he would ever meet someone who loves Christopher as much as he does. Shit, even the kids own <i>mom</i> didn’t love him enough to stick around when things got tough. But Buck loves his kid as much as Eddie does, there’s not a single doubt in his mind about that. </p><p>He sees Buck love Christopher every day. He sees it in the way he helps with school projects and bakes Christopher’s favourite cookies, the way he braves the water for Christopher even though Eddie can see that he’s still terrified, the way some nights Eddie will wake to a phone call from Buck, just checking Chris is safe. Buck loves his son so fiercely that Eddie can barely breathe with it sometimes. </p><p>And Buck is crazy and loud, he’s like a hyperactive puppy on the best of days, but Eddie wouldn’t change him for the world. </p><p>He risks another look at Buck just as the phone slips from his grasp and hits him right in the nose. Eddie snorts in laughter and Buck makes a wounded sound, looking over at Eddie to glare at him. </p><p>“Bully,” Buck whines. </p><p>“Hey I didn’t do anything,” Eddie laughs, holding his hands up in surrender. </p><p>Buck sticks out his tongue like the overgrown pre-teen that he is, and the illusion should be shattered. But it’s not. Because Eddie loves every part of Buck, he just wishes that Buck could love himself in the same way. </p><p>“What are you even reading?” Eddie asks.</p><p>Buck grins at that question. He immediately sits up and swings his legs off the couch so his feet are back on the floor. He leans towards Eddie, his elbows resting on his knees and his hands spread wide like he’s about to give a speech. Eddie knows from experience that he absolutely is. </p><p>“Did you know that jellyfish were around before <i>dinosaurs?</i>” Buck says. </p><p>Eddie tries not to smile but it’s difficult. Buck is an absolute nerd, and it’s possibly the most endearing thing about him. </p><p>“Really?” Eddie asks, to encourage Buck to continue. </p><p>He nods excitedly. “Yeah, and they can live in basically all climates? Deep water, shallow water, hot <i>and</i> cold. They have no eyes, bones, heart <i>or</i> brain, but they have a mouth which they both eat and poop out of.”</p><p>Buck’s eyes are alight while he talks, and Eddie’s stomach twists as he watches him. He loves this man. Loves the way he’s incapable of just having a passing interest in something, and how once he finds something fascinating he’ll spend hours researching it. He’s passionate about absolutely everything in his life and it makes Eddie feel so stupidly <i>fond.</i> </p><p>“That’s insane, seriously?” Eddie asks. </p><p>Buck nods again. “And they can grow up to like, two meters, but usually only live for about a year in the wild.”</p><p>Eddie is smiling now, but just as he’s about to respond Hen and Chim walk through. </p><p>“What are you going on about this time, Buck?” Chimney sighs. </p><p>He’s only teasing. He laughs and messes up Buck’s hair as he’s walking past. But Eddie can see the instant change in Buck. He folds in on himself, and though he doesn’t stop smiling it’s smaller now, his eyes dimmer. </p><p>Before Eddie has a chance to say anything, the alarm rings and they’re jumping into action. It’s nothing major, thankfully. Just a small kitchen fire and no injuries, that gets dealt with easily and sees the team back at the station within the hour. </p><p>They’re changing out of their uniform at the end of the shift when Buck starts up again. He’s just pulled on a t-shirt and his hair is messy and he’s smiling at Eddie like he’s got a secret. </p><p>“Did you know turtles were around when the dinosaurs were? They’ve existed for like 200 million years,” he says.</p><p>He’s sitting down and tying his shoes now, and Eddie can’t take his eyes off him. He’s like a walking encyclopaedia and honestly, Eddie could listen to him all day - Buck and Christopher’s voices are his favourite sounds in the world.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“And their shell is made up of <i>fifty</i> bones, <i>including</i> their rib cage and spine,” he tells Eddie. </p><p>Which. Eddie actually <i>didn’t</i> know that. </p><p>“Wait seriously? I thought like, they could come out of their shell or whatever?” Eddie asks. </p><p>Listen, he’s not a biologist or zoologist or whatever. Most of the animal facts he knows came from either his son or Buck so. Really it’s their fault he doesn’t know. </p><p>Buck shakes his head, still grinning. “Nope, that’s a common misconception, but they’d literally die if they were separated from their shell. <i>And</i> they can live for so long, man. Like the oldest ever recorded was <i>188</i> when he died.”</p><p>But then slowly, almost imperceptibly if Eddie didn’t know Buck as well as he does, the light in his eyes begins to dim. Just like earlier when Chim had disrupted him, Buck begins to fold in on himself. His smile falls and his cheeks flush a faint shade of pink. </p><p>“Sorry,” Buck says, chuckling sadly. </p><p>Eddie’s heart breaks. </p><p>He knows that for all Buck’s bravado and confidence, there’s another side to him that’s unsure and fears being left behind. He knew it the second Buck looked him in the eye and said <i>‘that’s not going to happen to us, right?’</i> But to see it so clearly, to see the insecurity wash over him in front of Eddie’s eyes. It’s devastating. </p><p>“You don’t have to do that with me, you know,” Eddie says as he closes the door of his locker. </p><p>Buck frowns. “Do what?”</p><p>“When you’re talking about something you care about or find interesting. It’s like, half way through a switch flips and you just fizzle out. I can literally see the excitement fade out of your eyes. You don’t have to do that with me, I always want to hear what you have to say.” </p><p>And Eddie really does mean it. Everything Buck has to say is interesting, and even when it’s not, Eddie still cares because it’s <i>Buck.</i> He hates that at some point in his life Buck must have been told to be quiet or stop talking, that his thoughts aren’t important, that he’s boring. </p><p>Buck looks like he doesn’t know how to respond right now. His eyes are wide and his mouth is kind of open, like he wants to say something but he either doesn’t know how, or doesn’t know what. </p><p>“I’m just saying,” Eddie continues, “I care, y’know.”</p><p>The longer Buck just watches Eddie in silence, the more awkward he begins to feel. He doesn’t want to drag something painful up for Buck, or make him feel uncomfortable in any way. Eddie just can’t stand the thought of Buck feeling like no one wants to hear what he has to say. </p><p>“Um, okay,” is all Buck says in reply. </p><p>Eddie doesn’t want to push things, so he just claps Buck on the back and says goodbye as he’s leaving.</p><p>He’s not sure it’s the best option, but it’s really all he’s got. Eddie knows Buck better than just about anyone. He knows that when Buck feels threatened or overwhelmed he shuts down, but he also knows that Buck will always come to Eddie eventually. Sometimes it takes a while, for him to get his thoughts and feelings in enough of an order that he can articulate them, but then Buck is always willing to talk. He just needs time. </p><p>Apparently, not as much time as Eddie was expecting, though. He’s only been home a couple of hours - had fed Christopher and helped him with his homework before Bobby had picked him up for a sleepover with Harry - when there’s a knock at the door. </p><p>He’s not sure who he’s expecting, but it isn’t Buck. Yet he’s standing at Eddie’s door, hands deep in the pockets of his hoodie and his eyes cast down. His hair is wet and curly, like he’s only just taken a shower, and he looks soft and vulnerable. Eddie just wants to take him in his arms. (Not that that’s a particularly new feeling.)</p><p>“Buck?” Eddie says, even though. Yes, of course it’s Buck. </p><p>“Hey,” Buck replies, only then looking up from the floor. </p><p>Eddie frowns a little. “Why did you <i>knock?</i>”</p><p>Because Buck hasn’t knocked on Eddie’s door in years, he has his own freaking key. </p><p>Buck shrugs and gives Eddie a half smile, “Didn’t wanna intrude.”</p><p>Eddie wants to cry. Instead, he rolls his eyes and reaches out, grabbing hold of Buck’s hoodie and tugging him inside. </p><p>“You’re never intruding here, Buck,” Eddie promises him. </p><p>It’s quiet while Eddie shuts the door behind them and then reclaims his seat on the couch. Buck kind of just, hovers. It’s like he’s not sure if he’s welcome, and Eddie is furious at himself that he’s ever let that thought even begin to manifest in Buck’s head. He’s always, <i>always</i> welcome there. Eddie would never let him leave if he could. </p><p>“Buck, sit down,” Eddie tells him, carefully keeping his voice gentle. </p><p>“Right, yeah, sorry.”</p><p>“You don’t have to apologise,” Eddie reassures him. </p><p>He can see it in Buck’s eyes, in the tension in his shoulders and the way he holds himself. Eddie can see exactly where Buck is going, and he doesn’t like it. Because he gets like this sometimes. He withdraws, becomes quiet, insecure. And Eddie knows he probably shouldn’t have, but he’d asked Maddie once what it was all about. </p><p>She hadn’t said much, obviously. Just told him briefly about their shitty parents, about the way Buck sometimes sees himself, about how he has a habit of isolating himself whenever he feels like he’s becoming a burden. Eddie needs Buck to know that he’s never a burden, not with him. </p><p>“Are you okay?” Eddie asks. </p><p>And Buck isn’t, obviously. But Eddie needs to get him talking somehow, so he doesn’t retreat further into his own head. </p><p>“Yeah, yeah, I’m just. Yeah.”</p><p>Eddie nods but doesn’t speak. He gives Buck time to think. </p><p>“Not really,” Buck finally admits. </p><p>Eddie wants to fold him into his arms, run his hands through his hair, kiss his temple and tell him how loved he is. He wants to make it all better and he doesn’t know how he can, except by listening. </p><p>“Do you want to talk about it?”</p><p>Eddie shifts closer to Buck on the couch. Not a lot, and they’re still not touching, but enough that he can see some of the tension leave Buck’s body. See Buck is confident most of the time, at least externally, but Eddie knows that he thrives off validation and physical contact. And he doesn’t want to push, but he knows that having Eddie closer to him will make Buck feel better. </p><p>“What you said earlier. You know, at the fire house,” Buck starts. “Do I really do that?”</p><p>Eddie feels momentarily guilty, that it was his words that sent Buck spiralling. But really, they were words Buck clearly needed to hear, and Eddie will say them a million times over until Buck finally realises. </p><p>Eddie makes a considering noise before answering. “Sometimes, yeah. You’ll be in the middle of telling me something and then all the excitement just like, fades from your voice? It’s like you start to over think.”</p><p>Buck nods as he listens, but he doesn’t watch Eddie, just plays with his fingers in a nervous habit. He sits for a moment once Eddie has finished talking, just taking it in and thinking.</p><p>“I guess I just don’t want to be annoying, sorry,” he says, voice quiet. </p><p>Eddie can’t stand the distance any more. He places a hand on Buck’s shoulder, squeezes firmly until Buck looks up at him. His eyes are wide and watery, and fuck, Eddie loves him. </p><p>“You are <i>never</i> annoying. I told you, you don’t have to do it with me, I always want to hear whatever it is you have to say. I hate seeing the way your whole face changes when it happens,” Eddie tells him, not letting up on the way he’s squeezing Buck’s shoulder. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Buck repeats, and Eddie just wants to fucking scream. </p><p>Not at Buck, never at Buck. But at his parents, at Abby, at every person in his life who ever made Buck feel like he had to apologise for being himself. Maybe at himself a little, too. Because Eddie can still feel the words <i>‘you’re exhausting’</i> heavy on his tongue, can still hear the way they echoed and see how Buck’s face fell. </p><p>“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Eddie assures him. “I just hate that you’ve ever been made to feel like you’re annoying, or too much, or whatever.”</p><p>He can feel Buck physically flinch as he says those words, and he thinks he’d probably do more than just scream at Buck’s parents. But Eddie’s anger isn’t what’s important right now, so he takes a breath and lets his thumb gently brush over the hollow of Buck’s throat. He feels relief flood through his veins when Buck relaxes again, lets out a long breath and squeezes his eyes shut, before opening them and looking back at Eddie. </p><p>“You love me.”</p><p>Eddie startles, completely taken aback. Because whatever he was expecting Buck to say, it certainly wasn’t that. </p><p>It’s not even a question, Buck isn’t <i>asking</i> if Eddie loves him, he’s saying it like it’s a fact. And it is a fact, Eddie <i>does</i> love him, but he hadn’t ever planned on Buck actually finding that out. He doesn’t even know <i>how</i> Buck found it out. </p><p>He feels like a fish out of water, floundering, grasping for the right thing to say in reply. Buck didn’t sound angry as he said it, but still. This feels precarious. It’s their entire friendship on the line right now, and not just Eddie and Buck’s, but Buck and Christopher’s too. It feels like a whole lot is riding on Eddie saying the right thing and he doesn’t even know what that is. </p><p>But in the end it doesn’t matter, because Buck speaks for him. </p><p>“I didn’t know. At least, I wasn’t certain, not until today. But what you said at work, and what you’re saying now. People don’t say those things unless they love someone, right?” Buck asks. </p><p>And he sounds like he’s in complete disbelief, like there’s no way Eddie really could love him, even though he had sounded so sure when he first said it. Eddie almost cries over how clear it is that Buck doesn’t think he deserves to be loved like that. </p><p>“Yeah, Evan. I love you.”</p><p>Eddie licks his lips. He had thought those words so many times, had rolled them around in his mouth and felt the weight of them on his tongue, but he’d never said them out loud before. With the way Buck is looking at him, Eddie wishes he’d said them sooner. Because Buck’s eyes are wide and hopeful and there’s a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. </p><p>“Thank you,” Buck says. </p><p>And he would be baffled over Buck <i>thanking</i> Eddie for loving him, but he doesn’t have time. Because Buck is kissing Eddie. Firm and slow, hands grasping to pull each other closer, closer, closer. It feels like before there had been a cavern separating them, and now they can’t get close enough, like they want to seep into each other’s skin, become one single being. </p><p>“I love you too, by the way,” Buck whispers when they finally pull apart. </p><p>And now every time Buck thinks he’s too much, Eddie holds him close and kisses him until the only thing he can think of is how much he’s loved.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>My heart is broken over the senseless, brutal murder of George Floyd. I stand with every single protester, across the US and the world. Please, if you can, consider signing petitions or donating to the cause if you are able. Here is a link that has several petitions, funds, and resources for you to look into: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/ </p><p>Black Lives Matter, now and always.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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